Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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