Cold hands, warm shart.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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