did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
