I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
