You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
