Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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