I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
