Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
