just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
