Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
