did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
