based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
