There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
