totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
