life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Someone came in the potted fern
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
