Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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