i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What drink are we having for lunch?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
