How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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