It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
