how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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