hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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