I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
