I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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