I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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