We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
