tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
