why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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