birth control should be required to get into college
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
