remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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