shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
