I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
