Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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