So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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