We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Found the puke drawer
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
