okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
