Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
