the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
