Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
