Don't EVER smell your tampon
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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