I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
