Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
