sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
