You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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