two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
