Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
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No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.