i jhust puked up my retainher.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself