I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
