People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
