my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
