you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
