Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
