My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
