My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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