totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
