oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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