i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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