last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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