You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
