I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I party with great urgency now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
