this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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