She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
