marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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