sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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