wanna go halves on a baby?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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