I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
