I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
