I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
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Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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