i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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